I Love Everybody by Laurie Notaro

Author:Laurie Notaro [Notaro, Laurie]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: General, Biography & Autobiography
ISBN: 9780812969009
Publisher: Villard
Published: 2003-12-31T13:00:00+00:00

• If you are sitting behind me in a movie and you feel the need to converse as freely as if you are in your living room, I will “Shhhh!” you and then I will ask you for ten dollars. I cannot grasp the need to talk in a movie theater. If I’m going to talk to somebody, I’d rather not do it in the dark (unless I’m naked and really holding my stomach in), and if it costs me ten bucks for an hour and a half, it had better be to someone in a different state, or they’d better be telling me how hot I am. I figure if you have to talk, if you’re so full of interesting and fascinating information that it is simply impossible to hold it in, THAT’S WHAT BARS ARE MADE FOR.

• If you cut me off in traffic in a Dukes of Hazzard move or like you’ve got someone in the passenger seat whose severed limb is floating in an Igloo cooler on his lap, then suddenly and inexplicably slam on your brakes for no apparent reason, I will scream, maniacally, and point my finger at you. This reaction developed due to the fact that a moment after I bought my new car, the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety rated it as one of the suckiest automobiles ever made. If so much as a bug hits my windshield, the entire front cabin of the car will implode and it is likely that I will either be decapitated by a visor or disemboweled by the gearshift as a tragic result, now that I am driving what essentially cracks up to be a motorized casket on wheels.

• If you try to sneak two weeks’ worth of groceries through the express line and think that no one will notice, I will look at your cart, look at you, and then shake my head in utter and obvious disgust. I’m done tolerating your type when all I have in my basket is a box of Monistat 7 and a pint of Chubby Hubby. I mean it. Get out of my way. Let me get my shit and go home because I have the ability to count to fifteen and I will USE IT ON YOU.

• If I happen to be looking out the window and see you allow your dog to take a shit in my yard, I will run outside with a pen and a piece of paper and query, “Hey, can I have your address? Because my dog will probably have to crap in the next hour or two, and I’m bringing her to your house to do it.”

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